From the Eye of the Storm

In August of 2008, I completed my first of what I expect to be many silent retreats. I experienced sixty-six hours of silence. Most of my time was spent at a retreat cabin built by the Moravian Church in the Blue Ridge Mountains in northwestern North Carolina. The cabin is called the Gemeinhouse and was built to offer individuals a mountain location for relaxation, recreation, reflection, and renewal. The place was absolutely beautiful and resonated with an energy of peace and serenity. I immediately knew that whatever had previously happened at the Gemeinhouse was consistent with what I was looking for. After unpacking and walking the grounds, I crawled onto the bed and experienced what I what believe to be one of the best naps of my life.

In hindsight, it is now obvious to me that I was tired. Because I get plenty of exercise, nourishment and lots of rest, my condition at that time had gone unnoticed by me. I was mentally fatigued, resulting from the ‘normal things’ that consume existence as we understand it: time, plans, routine, bills, entertainment, responsibilities, politics, opinion, education, religion, government, healthcare, prescription, conservative, liberal, jobs, money, houses, cars, war, oil, protest, news, democracy, elections, fatalities, race, gender, preference, sex, retirement, vacation, drugs, legal, illegal, insurance, inflation, mortgage, prices, loans, rates, prison, law, security, national, country, citizen, cost, rights, constitution, wealth, worth, profit, loss, poor, disaster, weather, food, homeless, disease, pregnancy, abortion, pro-life, evil, moral, cancer and etc., and etc. The list is infinite. It’s a wonder that we even remember the name that people identify us by, with so many distractions all feverishly welcoming us to self identify with its particular box. Do you feel it by just reading this? Is your energy different than it was five minutes ago? It is now clear to me that I had a burning desire to connect with Spirit and know myself again.

To facilitate achieving my personal needs of this retreat, I eliminated contact with the world, as we understand it. I determined that radio, TV, newspapers, Internet, music, phones, etc. would not be supportive in this adventure. I made an exception to text message my wife each day to let her know that I was OK.

In the first ten hours of silence, I caught myself blurting out a random thought. It was as if my subconscious took over and said ‘speak’ just to ensure me that everything was OK. When I recognized it, I laughed, thinking about how deep the conditioning to avoid silence must be. I know that our subconscious actually runs things while fooling our conscious into believing it’s the one making decisions. I had another chuckle after convincing myself that since there was no one was around to hear, I didn’t really say anything. I addressed the philosophical riddle “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

My first evening began with preparing a nice organic salad with all of my favorite items for dinner. Preparation offered just as much excitement as the actual consumption. I was reminded that process can offer as much, if not more than outcome. This concept is rarely noticed in a world that is apparently guided by quarterly results. After dinner, I drank herbal tea and I read the journal in which others had written about their experiences at the Gemeinhouse. As I read the stories, I started to understand why this place possessed a peaceful and serene energy. People from all walks of life had experienced a healing while here. I could feel our connection, not just with one another, but with everything in our world. Some had come here to cope with a feeling of loss generated by loved ones who had recently departed. Some were looking for answers to challenges they were experiencing. Some, like me, were simply looking for a place to turn the noise off for a while. Whatever the reason, we all were guided to this place to experience self-healing. Yes, we had all come to rid ourselves of illness. Not the type of illness that is treated by the many facades of science and religion, but the type of illness that can only be cured by oneself. In this place, the external world shifts to the background, and people come to know God as an internal entity. We come to know our limitlessness as God. At this point, I started to feel a bit anxious, sort of like a young kid on Christmas Eve. Something special is happening very soon! I completed my first day with spiritual reading, metaphysical reading and meditation. All lights were out by midnight.

The cabin was so dark, there was no difference between my eyes being opened and closed. It was then that I recognized that eyesight is limited. Eyes require a supporting cast. Like a computer, things like operating systems, applications, hardware, capacity, storage, power, data, age, etc limit eyes. So, eyesight is limited by the various combination of supporting factors. And how much can we believe our eyes when the initial data is erroneous? The only reason any of us call a horse a horse is because someone or something initially told us it was a horse. Before that instance, all of us would have been perfectly OK calling a pig a horse. In 1981, I was taking a computer science course, Fortran 101. The professor started his first lecture with ‘if you start with faulty input, you’ll get faulty output.’ 27 years later, in a pitch-black cabin, this professor of yesterday now appeared to be a genius. I thought about how much importance is placed on the sense of sight, resulting many times in judgment. Faulty input, faulty output.

Funny thing about experiencing loss of sight is that the ears begin to work overtime. I could hear leaves, crickets, wind, birds, and all types of other things that I couldn’t easily identify. When the refrigerator hummed, it startled me because it sounded like a bulldozer approaching the cabin. For a brief moment, I regretted all of the Friday the 13^th movies that I saw as a youth. The moment was brief because as soon as I admitted my fear and confronted it, it dissipated. Within minutes, I actually felt calm, safe and incredibly happy. I recognized that when I returned to my home, my priority would be to remove all levels of fear from my existence, by first identifying them, and then giving in to them. It was clear that I no longer needed to go looking for security. What I needed was an intense unlearning, thereby removing blockages to true existence and the natural security that comes with it. By doing this, I will maintain my rediscovered limitlessness as God. I feel asleep with this thought.

The next morning, I felt rejuvenated. I started the day with mediation to manage the excitement I was starting to feel about the day. I remembered to stay focused on baby steps, not outcome. I reminded myself to not plan, but to just be. After eating breakfast and more reading, I decided to go for a hike on the mountain. The trail had been recently marked, making it simple to follow. The air was clear and the exercise was welcomed. For two hours, it was just the mountain, sky, plants, animals, insects, weather and me. I thought of nothing but beauty. On multiple occasions I expressed gratitude for these moments to just be.

After returning, I prepared lunch, ate, and then experienced what I believe to be one of the second best naps of my life. When I awoke, I read and wrote in my journal while enjoying the porch swing. After dinner, the rest of the evening was filled with more reading and meditation. I ended the evening with herbal tea. I fell asleep reading by candlelight.

At around 5:30 am the next morning, I was awakened by a thunderstorm. I opened all the blinds, and for the next hour, watched the sky light up, while listening to the thunder and rain. It was exciting and I felt very connected to everything.

I spent most of my final morning of silence meditating, reading and journaling. My breathing was strong yet calm. I thought about all of the different things I had experienced in a relatively short amount of time. I considered what it might be like to spend one day a week in silence. I made a commitment to myself to spend more time listening and less time talking. I reminded myself to always forgive and to express gratitude for being. I thought about achieving a different existence by becoming something different. I actually laugh at my recognition of all the things we do to create the illusion of control. I left the retreat with a desire to not only love my wife, family and friends, but to love this world and everyone in it. It became clear that picking and choosing who and what to love is not an option. We either love or we don’t. It’s just that simple.

The experience was life changing and I imagine that everyone could achieve some form of bliss from creating his or her own similar experience. For me, I floated above the clouds and observed life, as we understand it, from a different point of view. I was alone and connected simultaneously. I experienced fear and became unafraid. From this point forward, my desire is to experience this existence without directions. Directions are based on what we believe we understand and by design will not guide us to what we inherently know. From this moment on, I want to experience everything, as I know, not as I was taught to understand.

Laurel Ridge Sunset